Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
