Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
