Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
