Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize