what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
