sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
