Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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