I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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