that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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