we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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