My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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