I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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