I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
