If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
