How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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