What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
