Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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