I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
