They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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