I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
As shirtless as possible
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
