I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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