I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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