Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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