I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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