oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
