this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
