There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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