Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!