if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
