Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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