i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
