Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My vagina just recognized that song.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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