Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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