my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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