dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
