His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
