If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
im six kinds of drunk right now
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
