yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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