her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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