I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
