New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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