Is it because I queefed?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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