maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
