No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
