Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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