Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
