I met the friendliest cop last night
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
