I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
