I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
