goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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