k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
