Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
