If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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