When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
