and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Also, beer. Big fan.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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