Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
